Jay-Z's 99 Problems Got Nothing On Jack-Z's 240 Million Problems.

This week has been insane. I mean, just absolutely crazy. I can't even begin to delve into the moves made since Monday afternoon without going off on the big one, so here, let's just get these other huge news stories out of the way:

• The Athletics received closer Jim Johnson from the Orioles for second baseman Jemile Weeks
• The A's didn't stop there, acquiring Craig Gentry and Josh Lindblom from the Rangers for top prospect Michael Choice and someone else
• And the A's ALSO traded for reliever Luke Gregerson, sending outfielder Seth Smith to the Padres in return
• But wait! The A's signed starter Scott Kazmir too! Because, really, why not?
• The Tigers traded starter Doug Fister to the Nationals for spare parts
• The Rays received catcher Ryan Hanigan from the Reds and "reliever" Heath Bell from the Diamondbacks for some minor leaguers
• The Astros traded for centerfielder Dexter Fowler, formerly of the Rockies, for starter Jordan Lyles and outfielder Brandon Barnes
• The Yankees officially announced their deal with catcher Brian McCann
• The Yanks also signed centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury to a contract I don't even want to think about right now
• The Twins signed beleaguered starter Phil Hughes to a 3 year deal
• The Twins also officially announced their deal with starter Ricky Nolasco
• The Red Sox signed catcher A.J. Pierzynski to a 1 year pact
• The Marlins signed Jarrod Saltalamacchia to a 3 year deal, with heavy implications that he won't finish the contract in Miami
• The Tigers signed closer Joe Nathan to a 2 year deal
• The White Sox resigned Paul Konerko for one last go-round
• Hell, just for good measure, the Mets signed Curtis Granderson to a 4 year deal, and the Astros signed Scott Feldman to a 3 year deal, both of those signings coming on the heels of what we're about to discuss

But none of that is what we're here to talk about today. We'll get to them all in time. No, we're here to talk about the third largest contract in baseball history. It was offered by the Seattle Mariners, and the terms are breathtaking: 10 years, $240 million, all guaranteed. No options, no buyouts, all in.

And it was given to Robinson Cano.

Go ahead, take a minute to collect yourself. I'm trying to do the same.

"Yep, Jay-Z really came through for me! Got me my $240 million AND I get to stay in the Bronx! Really looking forward to-wait, what? Seattle? What the hell is Seattle?"

Cano is just (that word is hugely subjective, mind you) 31 years old, and will play all of next season before turning 32, pegging him at only a single year younger than Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez 2: Electric Boogaloo were when they signed their outrageous, decade-long, $240 million+ deals. These are all powerful, dominant infielders, all of whom are or were on a Hall of Fame path, in their very early 30s. What could possibly go wrong? The answer, as it turns out, is a lot. Since signing the largest deal in baseball history, A-Rod has seen his numbers across the board drop to Jeff Francoeur-like levels, and his reputation has fallen even further thanks to multiple steroid allegations. Pujols, the owner of the second largest contract (considering all his incentive clauses kick in, otherwise he's guaranteed as much as Cano), was considered the greatest player of the last 20 years, and now...well, his 11 years with the Cardinals? .328/.420/.617. His first 2 with the Angels? .275/.338/.485. He went from feared hitter to sad sack almost overnight. As far as Cano, there's no guarantees or implications that his deal will end up being as repugnant as the first two. But who's willing to take that chance? The Mariners! Of course!

Hey, remember that James Shields-Wil Myers trade last year? I know, I know, it's hard to remember things from 12 months ago in a game where yesterday's news is already ancient, but for those of us around back then, it was a confusing move on the part of  the Royals. They thought they were a win-now team, an organization on the cusp of being perennial contenders. Those of us who live on Earth, though, saw a team full of young position players with great upside but little to show for it and a rotation that kept Jeremy Guthrie employed. It wasn't a move that a team like that should have made, especially when moving a top prospect. To give up someone of Myers' caliber, they should have gotten David Price. Instead, they took Shields, who was quite good, and admittedly, Kansas City did record their first winning season since 2003 (for a frame of reference, Carlos Beltran was still a Royal back then), but was it worth giving up the current AL Rookie of the Year? Too early to tell, but early opinions say "Absolutely not, are you crazy?!"

So the Mariners, who have a nice lineup and some fine pitching coming down the pipeline, take a look at what happened in Missouri and think "We could bring some of that over-.500 magic to the Great Northwest! Even though we have young, price-controlled middle infielders who have shown some pop in their limited big league action, let's throw just shy of a quarter of a billion dollars at an aging second baseman! Does it worry us that the team he came from, a team that gave up the equivalent of Ecuador's GDP for 3 mediocre years of A.J. Burnett, suddenly discovered Bartolo Colon-sized holes in their pockets when it came time to pony up for a good player? Why, not at all! IT'S ROBINSON CANO!!!!" If Bret Boone was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave right now.

I mean, what in the hell is Jack Zduriencik (yes, spelling's correct) thinking? Is he thinking? I know the man's job security is about as safe as Jason Donald was in Armando Galarraga's near-perfecto, but was this the best he could come up with? Throw an indefensible amount of money to a great player for the right to have him wear the baseball-compass-whatever monstrosity during the anticipated downslide of his career? What, did Jack not have Jay Buhner on speed dial?

"Seriously? THIS is Seattle? And THIS is Safeco? I should have never dropped Boras..."

Let's assume, erroneously I'm sure, that Cano ages gracefully and retains his impressive skill set well into his middle and late 30s. It's rare that it happens (so rare, in fact, that the only ones who do it are Hall of Famers), but it happens. Let's assume Cano keeps batting well over .300 every year, continues to play in almost every game in a season, retains his 25-homer stroke, and doesn't look too foolish on defense, as he is wont to do every once in a while. Who on the Mariners can bat behind, or in front of, him to give Seattle a 3-4 punch that makes us forget Cabrera-Fielder? Justin Smoak? Please. Kyle Seager? Defense first guy. Dustin Ackley? Who? Mike Zunino ain't no Mike Piazza. As we know, baseball is vastly different from basketball or even football, where one guy can carry a team singlehandedly to a championship berth. Baseball is a team-oriented sport. It's true that pitching wins titles, and the M's have that in spades, considering King Felix, Hisashi "Flying Salmon" Iwakuma, and the Great Triumvirate of Walker/Paxton/Hultzen chomping at the bit to break through the Triple-A barrier. But what happens if the guys behind those dominant starters don't score runs? Cano can't bat anyone in if nobody's getting on base ahead of him. The Mariners could (no, HAVE to) make some more moves to compliment Robinson. For instance, Shin-Soo Choo, also known as OBP Monster, would be an excellent tablesetter in that lineup. It's clear the M's have money; we know this now. So why stop with Cano? Sign Choo, move whoever you have to (name me someone in the Mariners outfield...can't do it? I figured), and I along with millions of other flabbergasted fans feel much more secure about the possibility of October baseball returning to Seattle. But unless there are a few more signings or moves that follow this one, I fear the numbing sensation in my brain won't go away.

Things will only get worse when the Reds sign Ervin Santana for $80 million or something. In these wacky times, truly anything can happen.

And a final note, pointed out to me by a close friend and fellow baseball skeptic: there is no state income tax in Washington state. That $240 million is all Robbie. Picture's getting a little less blurry now, huh?