Choose Your (Closer's) Own Adventure!

Let's say you're the general manager of an unnamed Major League Baseball team. Let's say that you have a closer who has perfect control, allows virtually no hits or walks anytime he's on the bump, and regularly throws faster than Prince Fielder knocks out several dinners at Golden Corral. Let's say that same closer is a few months shy of turning 26, is a former Rookie of the Year (as well as a top-10 Cy Young finisher the past 3 seasons), and can be controlled by any team until after the 2016 season. Let's say you have a giant, vacuous hole where your second baseman should be, a mirage at third base, and an outfield that just can't seem to be healthy all at the same time. What would you do?

If you choose to hold on to your closer and refuse to entertain the idea of trading him, skip to the paragraph labeled A.

If you choose to hold on to your closer for now, with the implication that you may be willing to discuss him later on, skip to the paragraph labeled B.

If you choose to trade your closer to fill your needs, skip to the paragraph labeled C.

A - So you hold on to Craig Kimbrel, dominant hurler of the Atlanta Braves, and retain the best closer in the post-Mariano Rivera era. Not a bad decision. Kimbrel has a career 15.1 K/9 in just 4 seasons and still throws fire at will. He's led the National League in saves all 3 seasons that he's been the full-time closer, and led all of MLB last year with 50. Why trade him when you have such a strong bullpen with him? Sure, you have plenty of palatable options (Jordan Walden, Eric O'Flaherty, Jonny Venters, etc.), and more starting pitching than you know what to do with (don't forget, Kris Medlen was a reliever before joining the starting 5), but you don't see how you could possibly trade Kimbrel back and get what he's worth. Still, as good as the Braves are WITH Kimbrel, they still have roster spots for Dan Uggla, Chris Johnson, and BJ Upton, and as we saw last year, that's not a playoff-ready team. It's like wasting the prime years of Mike Trout with the current incarnations of Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton. Kimbrel languishes away and suffers through continuous first-round playoff exits until he reaches free agency, and all you have to show for one of the best closers of the past decade is a compensatory draft pick.

B - Great closers are hard to come by, and when you have a homegrown, price-controlled one like Kimbrel, you're better suited keeping him as long as you possibly can. But now it's the middle of July and the Nationals are finally as good as advertised, with the Mets and Marlins knocking on the door of relevancy. The Braves are doing fine but are rapidly falling out of contention, and it looks like postseason baseball isn't really happening in Atlanta this season. So you make Kimbrel available, hoping to get an established second baseman and a top position player prospect, as well as some lottery tickets or extra parts. The usual teams come calling with the usual offers, none of which sound good (Howie Kendrick? Dustin Ackley? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!), until finally, by the grace of God H. Selig, a sucker appears, most likely the Royals (got you again, Dayton Moore!), with an offer that isn't fantastic, but is far better than what the Braves brass had been hearing. Kimbrel is shipped out of town, and while his presence is certainly missed, the Bravos might finally have a second baseman who can hit above the Mendoza line without sacrificing anything on defense. Uggla is demoted to backup bullpen catcher, Andrelton has a much more reliable double play partner, and a quick return to October baseball seems likely, if not this year.

C - Fortune favors the bold. Not only is this the move that smart baseball executives should make, but if Frank Wren really wants to advance past the first round of the playoffs before moving to Cobb County, this is a big step in the right direction. Kimbrel's value will never be higher than it is at this moment, while he's still untouchable, young and healthy. There are no indications that he could break down, but we see freak injuries in baseball so often, they can't really be called "freak" injuries anymore. A screaming line-drive comebacker from Andrew McCutchen or a rampaging Giancarlo Stanton and Craig is out of commission for an undetermined amount of time. So why wait until the middle of the season, when anything can or could happen? You decide to get as big of a return as possible, which means getting Kimbrel to another team before pitchers and catchers report in February. Of course, this is easier said than done. As mentioned above, the pickings might be slim on the trade market for what the Braves need. The Padres, however, might be a potential fit. They've got Jedd Gyorko, a natural third baseman displaced by extension candidate Chase Headley who smashed 23 long balls in his first taste of major league action last season while playing slightly below average in the field. He's still young at 25, though, and still has tremendous upside. If the Friars throw in outfielder Hunter Renfroe (to spell BJ/replace Justin when he inevitably walks) and current closer Huston Street, that's a deal you should grab onto and never let go of.

In all likelihood, Kimbrel will still be pitching in a Braves uniform in 2014. Don't get me wrong, that's absolutely fantastic and stands to only make the entire team better as a whole. But the cracks aren't just beginning to show; they're growing larger every day that the Uggla/Johnson/Upton tandem is still on the roster with no clear fixes or alternatives. Giving up the game's best closer for players that could help the Braves is a tough move to justify, but one that has to be made if they even hope to sniff a World Series before Freddie Freeman, Jason Heyward and the rest reach free agency.

Is This The Dumbest GM In Baseball?

Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr is, quite possibly, the stupidest executive in any front office across Major League Baseball. I know this is a bold statement to make, and one that's not entirely founded. I'm not just saying this as a Braves fan and Atlanta resident; Lord knows Frank Wren's recent signings (read: BJ Upton and Dan Uggla) have been, shall we say, incredibly terrible. And arguments, very strong ones, could be made for Jerry DiPoto (Angels; the Pujols and Hamilton mega-busts), Jack Zduriencik (Mariners; Robinson Cano and recent reports of incompetence), Brian Cashman (Yankees; seriously? Vernon Wells AND Alfonso Soriano last year?) and several others. But none of these men have done or said things that have made me think less of them than I already did. And yet, every time I hear something about the Phils, my immediate thought is, "Boy, Ruben Amaro must have lost his damn mind."

I suppose I should start with the current thing that's setting me off. In recent days, we've heard that Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels, i.e. the only two starters of worth in Philadelphia, could be had by any interested team in a trade. Of course, news of this kind would be enough to make most organizations foam at their collective mouths, as both Lee and Hamels are workhorses who are rarely injured, keep their ERAs well under league average, throw strikeouts with apparent ease, and are controllable for at least the next 2 years. However, both are signed to somewhat eye-popping deals: Cliff has 2 years (and $50 million) remaining on the 5-year, $120 million deal he signed after the 2010 season, while Cole is about to enter the second year of the lucrative extension he signed in the summer of 2012, which was 6 years and $144 million. So, just to be sure we're clear, the 33 year old Lee is still owed the aforementioned $50 million, while soon-to-be-30-year-old Hamels is scheduled to make $22.5 million annually from now until 2019. Did I mention that both have a vesting option? Cliff's is worth $27.5 million (because most teams are already clamoring to pay a 35 year old $25 million, why not give a 36 year old a $2.5 million raise?) in 2016, and Hamels's is worth $19 million in 2020. Admittedly, these are considered premium prices, especially with the way the free agent market is trending. Still, as good (and great at times) as these two are, any team trading FOR them would most likely not even come to the negotiating table unless Amaro and his buddies are planning to eat most of the salary for either one. I mean, that should be a given, right?

Not so, says Ruben. If a team wants either one, they will have to cover a portion of their salary. All right, that seems fair; you can't expect the Phils to not get anything back if they send one or both of their best pitchers out of town. But how big of a portion are we talking here? ALL OF THE MONEY. That's right, Amaro has made it clear that anybody who wants 'em can have 'em, but they better be willing to foot the entire bill. It's salary relief at its finest. But wait! There's more! Amaro would expect back 2 to 3 major league-ready prospects or other controllable players. Now that's insanity at its finest.

These guys are worth a lot. They're not worth nearly as much as Amaro thinks they are.

This isn't the first time Amaro's said something like this, and it's not the first time he's said this in regards to Lee. We heard a similar rumor during the trade deadline last year, and during the last offseason. The mind reels. With the way prospects are regarded in today's game, as future superstars instead of trading chips, the possibility of dealing several top young players for an effective starter who's only going to get older is outrageous. But to expect the team sending away their talent to also take on all the financial responsibility of the incoming, well-traveled player? Ruben's no Branch Rickey, but I'm starting to wonder if he's even as sharp as a tree branch.

If this was the dumbest thing he's done all offseason, as we Jews say during Passover, it would have been enough. But oh, no, Amaro's stupidity goes even further. You know how pretty much every regular that Philadelphia has is well over 30 (and, in most cases, well over 33), and their barren farm system has so far produced Darin Ruf and the streaky Dominic Brown (who, just for good measure, Amaro's also dangling for a ridiculous price) and little else? That sounds like a team that needs to get a serious youth injection. So how did Ruben kick off this Hot Stove season? By signing 36 year old Marlon Byrd to a 2 year deal, and resigning 35 year old Carlos Ruiz to a 3 year deal. In case you were wondering, both players were slapped with a drug-related suspension (Byrd for PEDs, Ruiz for amphetamines) in the last 2 seasons. Sure, Ruiz has spent his entire career with the Phillies, and it would look bad to let their longtime catcher go (although Atlanta didn't seem to have a problem with their similar situation). Of course, Byrd was originally drafted by the Phils, so this is a nice homecoming after a great bounceback year. But these should be complimentary pieces added to a team, not your grand offseason "additions". These signings should be buried underneath reports that the team has come out of nowhere to sign Masahiro Tanaka (when and if he's posted) and magically traded Ryan Howard for Giancarlo Stanton or something (Jeffrey Loria's even crazier than Amaro, but that's an entirely different article). But Byrd and Ruiz? THAT'S the offseason?! No wonder Roy Halladay recently retired, I wouldn't want to keep pitching for this team either.

Look, it's easy to criticize any team, any GM and any move made while we're waiting for the glorious moment that is Opening Day. With the right bias or biases, you can criticize anyone and anything in baseball. But when someone in control is making this many bad moves, coupled with this many ludicrous trade demands, it takes a special kind to defend someone like that. While Ruben Amaro may not be the worst GM in baseball, he sure as hell isn't the brightest or anywhere close. If the Phillies are ever going to rebound and get back to perennial contender status, they'll need a new man at the helm.

Jay-Z's 99 Problems Got Nothing On Jack-Z's 240 Million Problems.

This week has been insane. I mean, just absolutely crazy. I can't even begin to delve into the moves made since Monday afternoon without going off on the big one, so here, let's just get these other huge news stories out of the way:

• The Athletics received closer Jim Johnson from the Orioles for second baseman Jemile Weeks
• The A's didn't stop there, acquiring Craig Gentry and Josh Lindblom from the Rangers for top prospect Michael Choice and someone else
• And the A's ALSO traded for reliever Luke Gregerson, sending outfielder Seth Smith to the Padres in return
• But wait! The A's signed starter Scott Kazmir too! Because, really, why not?
• The Tigers traded starter Doug Fister to the Nationals for spare parts
• The Rays received catcher Ryan Hanigan from the Reds and "reliever" Heath Bell from the Diamondbacks for some minor leaguers
• The Astros traded for centerfielder Dexter Fowler, formerly of the Rockies, for starter Jordan Lyles and outfielder Brandon Barnes
• The Yankees officially announced their deal with catcher Brian McCann
• The Yanks also signed centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury to a contract I don't even want to think about right now
• The Twins signed beleaguered starter Phil Hughes to a 3 year deal
• The Twins also officially announced their deal with starter Ricky Nolasco
• The Red Sox signed catcher A.J. Pierzynski to a 1 year pact
• The Marlins signed Jarrod Saltalamacchia to a 3 year deal, with heavy implications that he won't finish the contract in Miami
• The Tigers signed closer Joe Nathan to a 2 year deal
• The White Sox resigned Paul Konerko for one last go-round
• Hell, just for good measure, the Mets signed Curtis Granderson to a 4 year deal, and the Astros signed Scott Feldman to a 3 year deal, both of those signings coming on the heels of what we're about to discuss

But none of that is what we're here to talk about today. We'll get to them all in time. No, we're here to talk about the third largest contract in baseball history. It was offered by the Seattle Mariners, and the terms are breathtaking: 10 years, $240 million, all guaranteed. No options, no buyouts, all in.

And it was given to Robinson Cano.

Go ahead, take a minute to collect yourself. I'm trying to do the same.

"Yep, Jay-Z really came through for me! Got me my $240 million AND I get to stay in the Bronx! Really looking forward to-wait, what? Seattle? What the hell is Seattle?"

Cano is just (that word is hugely subjective, mind you) 31 years old, and will play all of next season before turning 32, pegging him at only a single year younger than Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez 2: Electric Boogaloo were when they signed their outrageous, decade-long, $240 million+ deals. These are all powerful, dominant infielders, all of whom are or were on a Hall of Fame path, in their very early 30s. What could possibly go wrong? The answer, as it turns out, is a lot. Since signing the largest deal in baseball history, A-Rod has seen his numbers across the board drop to Jeff Francoeur-like levels, and his reputation has fallen even further thanks to multiple steroid allegations. Pujols, the owner of the second largest contract (considering all his incentive clauses kick in, otherwise he's guaranteed as much as Cano), was considered the greatest player of the last 20 years, and now...well, his 11 years with the Cardinals? .328/.420/.617. His first 2 with the Angels? .275/.338/.485. He went from feared hitter to sad sack almost overnight. As far as Cano, there's no guarantees or implications that his deal will end up being as repugnant as the first two. But who's willing to take that chance? The Mariners! Of course!

Hey, remember that James Shields-Wil Myers trade last year? I know, I know, it's hard to remember things from 12 months ago in a game where yesterday's news is already ancient, but for those of us around back then, it was a confusing move on the part of  the Royals. They thought they were a win-now team, an organization on the cusp of being perennial contenders. Those of us who live on Earth, though, saw a team full of young position players with great upside but little to show for it and a rotation that kept Jeremy Guthrie employed. It wasn't a move that a team like that should have made, especially when moving a top prospect. To give up someone of Myers' caliber, they should have gotten David Price. Instead, they took Shields, who was quite good, and admittedly, Kansas City did record their first winning season since 2003 (for a frame of reference, Carlos Beltran was still a Royal back then), but was it worth giving up the current AL Rookie of the Year? Too early to tell, but early opinions say "Absolutely not, are you crazy?!"

So the Mariners, who have a nice lineup and some fine pitching coming down the pipeline, take a look at what happened in Missouri and think "We could bring some of that over-.500 magic to the Great Northwest! Even though we have young, price-controlled middle infielders who have shown some pop in their limited big league action, let's throw just shy of a quarter of a billion dollars at an aging second baseman! Does it worry us that the team he came from, a team that gave up the equivalent of Ecuador's GDP for 3 mediocre years of A.J. Burnett, suddenly discovered Bartolo Colon-sized holes in their pockets when it came time to pony up for a good player? Why, not at all! IT'S ROBINSON CANO!!!!" If Bret Boone was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave right now.

I mean, what in the hell is Jack Zduriencik (yes, spelling's correct) thinking? Is he thinking? I know the man's job security is about as safe as Jason Donald was in Armando Galarraga's near-perfecto, but was this the best he could come up with? Throw an indefensible amount of money to a great player for the right to have him wear the baseball-compass-whatever monstrosity during the anticipated downslide of his career? What, did Jack not have Jay Buhner on speed dial?

"Seriously? THIS is Seattle? And THIS is Safeco? I should have never dropped Boras..."

Let's assume, erroneously I'm sure, that Cano ages gracefully and retains his impressive skill set well into his middle and late 30s. It's rare that it happens (so rare, in fact, that the only ones who do it are Hall of Famers), but it happens. Let's assume Cano keeps batting well over .300 every year, continues to play in almost every game in a season, retains his 25-homer stroke, and doesn't look too foolish on defense, as he is wont to do every once in a while. Who on the Mariners can bat behind, or in front of, him to give Seattle a 3-4 punch that makes us forget Cabrera-Fielder? Justin Smoak? Please. Kyle Seager? Defense first guy. Dustin Ackley? Who? Mike Zunino ain't no Mike Piazza. As we know, baseball is vastly different from basketball or even football, where one guy can carry a team singlehandedly to a championship berth. Baseball is a team-oriented sport. It's true that pitching wins titles, and the M's have that in spades, considering King Felix, Hisashi "Flying Salmon" Iwakuma, and the Great Triumvirate of Walker/Paxton/Hultzen chomping at the bit to break through the Triple-A barrier. But what happens if the guys behind those dominant starters don't score runs? Cano can't bat anyone in if nobody's getting on base ahead of him. The Mariners could (no, HAVE to) make some more moves to compliment Robinson. For instance, Shin-Soo Choo, also known as OBP Monster, would be an excellent tablesetter in that lineup. It's clear the M's have money; we know this now. So why stop with Cano? Sign Choo, move whoever you have to (name me someone in the Mariners outfield...can't do it? I figured), and I along with millions of other flabbergasted fans feel much more secure about the possibility of October baseball returning to Seattle. But unless there are a few more signings or moves that follow this one, I fear the numbing sensation in my brain won't go away.

Things will only get worse when the Reds sign Ervin Santana for $80 million or something. In these wacky times, truly anything can happen.

And a final note, pointed out to me by a close friend and fellow baseball skeptic: there is no state income tax in Washington state. That $240 million is all Robbie. Picture's getting a little less blurry now, huh?